Cully has continued to share my life. Here I've tried to chronicle events through reproduction of postings I made to Petloss.com. She's a pretty good muse!
I had a dream visit from Cully last night! (Well, actually it was probably more like 5:00 a.m., but you know what I mean.)
This wasn't even the half-wake/half-sleep state that I've experienced before - I'd been awake earlier but had gone back to sleep. I was dreaming that my husband, younger son, and I were in 'our' kitchen, although it didn't look like any kitchen we'd ever been in before. It was just a kitchen. But there were 2 or 3 of my son's friends sitting at the kitchen table, and everybody was talking - just a general sense of pleasant companionship.
At the end of the kitchen, beyond the table, was a wide window with a deep sill, maybe 12 inches deep. I was looking at one of the people sitting at the table, when suddenly there was Cully, walking along that sill. I said, "Look!" and moved over to her. I petted her, and she turned towards me, leaning into my hand. Then she shook her head a little bit, and I could tell she was uncomfortable. I said, "Oh Sweetie, that's why we sent you to the bridge. You weren't going to get better here, but you're okay now." She stopped the little twitch and looked right at me.
Then something even more miraculous occurred. I said, "Mother, do you see this?" I didn't want to take my eyes off Cully, so I kept my hand on her but called over my shoulder to my mother...my mother who passed in April 2003. She was there in the room, too!
I scooped Cully up on my shoulder and snuggled against her dear little head.
And then I woke up. So many tears now...both my mother and my little baby girl...I feel so blessed.
There's so much I could say about this - Cully letting me get a little closure by explaining to her why it happened the way it did (even though I know she knew, I still need to tell her, you know?), my mother's presence, a kitchen I've never seen before but one which is 'ours' (one of Cully's favorite things is eating, of course) - my heart is filled beyond my ability to express.
The grief is still horrible, the disbelief is still present, but now I have a very special reassurance - and I wanted you all to know about it, too.
Hello Sweetie, I hope it's all right to interrupt you at the bridge today. I know there are many things which require your gentle supervision, and I'm sure you have many friends who love your companionship. But this is one of those days that Mama remembers, and the tug on my heartstrings is very strong.
It's starting to be spring here, dear girl, with the robins strutting around, announcing their return. The goldfinches, of course, taunt them and tell them 'so what?' - the goldfinch colors are brightening now, and I hope you can see them. Your favorites, the squirrels, are playing in all the trees, jumping from branch to branch, just as they always do this time of year. I miss seeing you on the patio watching them.
It's just not the same here, Cully girl. No one climbs up on the arm of my chair to give me those sweet head nudges and dear sighs of contentment. I look at your special red bed and I still picture you in it, sleeping blissfully. I'll begin clearing out the perennial beds in a few days, and you won't be sitting next to me, watching intently. (What *were* you hoping to see? I always wondered....)
I've loved your visits, honey, and would welcome another if you can manage it. But if not, please take a moment to feel your mother's love and to know that I still have you in that special place in my heart, the one that says "Reserved for Cully."
Mama loves you, baby girl, Mama loves you.
I want to tell you about something that happened Monday morning, which was April 3. I was in an airplane - don't know the cruising altitude exactly, but it was high because we were flying 500 miles to our destination. I had a window seat, an unusual thing for me because I always ask for the aisle, but the window was all that was available.
I was staring out the window at the clouds below us, and I realized I was looking at the airplane's shadow as we flew along. All of a sudden, from one instant to the next, the shadow went from plain and fuzzy to very sharp-edged.
And arching from the nose to the tail of the shadow was a complete rainbow! I was so stunned that I know my mouth fell open - I have never seen this phenomenon before. Maybe it happens all the time, but it was a first for me. It lasted maybe 5 minutes as we moved, and then suddenly it was gone.
A rainbow on a shadow, on top of the clouds....
Thank you, Cully - I love you too -
Hello my baby girl,
I hope you can take a moment away from your greeting duties so that I can tell you how much I miss you and love you. I know that you don't understand when I say that I miss you, because you are always with me. And, truly, I do see you out of the corner of my eye quite often. I was especially touched when you went from window to window with me last night, helping me to look for Gracie, who managed to get caught out in the rain. (I know, I know, she needs all the help she can get. Silly girl.)
But I do miss you, sweetie, your purr and your head-nudges and your cheery little greeting in the mornings - all those dear habits which were a part of my days for almost 12 years. How I long to scoop you up onto my shoulder and feel you nuzzle into my neck, totally happy and relaxed. Sometimes I pretend that I'm holding you that way, and although it's not quite the same, I am reminded of what was and am comforted.
I've been wanting to tell you how very proud I am of the responsible way you've been handling your greeting duties for the newcomers. I appreciate very much the little flashes that you have sent me to let me know what you are doing now. The best one is the one that you channeled to me from a newcomer, because I could see what he saw - you, sitting calmly on the grass's edge, looking lovingly at him as he crossed. My darling, I know that you help those new ones immeasurably - how could anyone be afraid when they see you, the little welcoming party? I am so happy for you that you have this important work to do, because you have let me know how content you are.
I love you more every day, Cully-girl, every day.... And I look forward longingly to the day when I'm the newcomer and you are there to greet me.
Many many kisses for you, my daughter. Mama loves you.
Fur – a rainbow of earth colors, soft as down
Face – perfect tabby stripes, drawn by the Creator
Eyes – gold and luminous with love conferred
Paws – delicate, careful, patting my face all ‘round
What is she, this cat, in whom mysteries abound?
Who is she, she who so easily makes my heart stir?
How does she make me mourn for her purr,
And her touch, and her breath – no more to be found –
Ah, this is Cully, my daughter in fur,
Who crept quietly in and stole my heart –
Who left, and took it away –
And yet, she gave me something in return,
A promise that we are not really apart –
Memories and love – to last till the end of my days –
©2006 Barbara E. Allen
|Cully adored strolling through her gardens. I'm sure she has lots of gardens in her new home.|
|Watching squirrels can occupy an entire day.Cully greets squirrels at Rainbow Bridge and shows them to their family tree.|
|Ah, a manicure - one of life's great pleasures, whether here on earth or at Rainbow Bridge.|
|Peeking through the garden gate - Mama always needs a little guidance in the garden. What glorious fun it will be when Mama arrives at Rainbow Bridge, too!|
Barbara E. Allen